


To Angels

by carolinecrane



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-13
Updated: 2011-10-13
Packaged: 2017-10-24 14:27:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/264532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolinecrane/pseuds/carolinecrane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A brief history of Todd Anderson.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Angels

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Yuletide 2005. Poetry snippets and title from _Sonnets from the Portuguese_ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

I.

 _First time he kissed me, he but only kissed/The fingers of this hand wherewith I write;_

Todd remembered the first time Neil kissed him. He'd laughed so hard about the world's first unmanned flying desk set that finally he couldn't hold back the tears anymore; he'd wiped his cheeks hard with the back of one hand, hating himself just a little more for crying in front of Neil like some...some girl.

He remembered the way he flinched when Neil reached for him, but instead of pulling his hand away and mumbling an apology Neil had just leaned in and pressed their lips together, murmuring 'happy birthday' against Todd's mouth. And for the first time, it was.

II.

 _And wilt thou have me fashion into speech/The love I bear thee, finding words enough_

They didn't say the words. But they didn't have to, because Todd could feel it in Neil's touch. In the way Neil's fingers traced the curve of his spine like he was afraid Todd would disappear if he pressed too hard. It was in his kiss, in the breathless laughs that warmed Todd's cheek when they pressed together on his narrow bed.

He heard it in the way Neil gasped his name when he came, felt it in the way Neil moved against him. They didn't say the words because they didn't have to. They both knew this was love.

III.

 _If I leave all for thee, wilt thou exchange/And be all to me?_

Todd liked having a secret. He liked laughing with the others at Charlie's - Nuwanda's - poems and listening to Neil's voice as he read out of the book. He liked remembering the sound of that voice whispering to him, the words Neil only said to him.

He wondered what they'd say if they knew, wondered if they'd still come to meetings or if even the Dead Poets Society had its limits. There were times when he wanted to find out. But then Neil would catch his eye and flash that secret smile, and Todd knew that everyone who mattered already knew.

IV.

 _'My future will not copy fair my past'--_

They never talked about the future. Todd tried not to think about it, because he knew Neil was a senior and that meant that all they had was this year. One year, then Neil would be gone and he'd be alone. But there would be letters and phone calls and maybe Neil wouldn't even go away for college. There was always the chance that he'd stay close, close enough for weekend visits and maybe this wouldn't have to end.

They could find a way to make it work; for the first time in his life Todd was sure of it.

V.

 _since when, indeed, I have been proud and said, ' My love, my own.'_

Todd knew Neil would be amazing. He knew how much the play meant, knew how hard Neil worked and saw him after every rehearsal, cheeks red from running all the way and breathless with the effort to tell Todd every detail.

So he knew Neil would steal the show, but he had no idea how magical it would be. He wanted to tell Neil, wanted to catch his arm and whisper 'you're amazing' right in Neil's ear. He started to, but suddenly Neil's father was there and Neil never even looked back at him as his father dragged him away.

VI.

 _A heavy heart, Beloved, have I borne/From year to year until I saw thy face,_

He played it over and over in his head as he laid awake that night, wondering if Neil was okay and wishing he'd had a chance to say something. Wishing Neil had just looked back, just long enough to catch Todd's eye and flash the smile that would let Todd know everything was going to be okay.

Neil was the strong one, the one who made them all believe they could do the crazy things he dreamed up. But when his father had led him away he'd looked...scared, and if he wasn't okay Todd had no idea what to do.

VII.

 _Let the world's sharpness, like a clasping knife,/Shut in upon itself and do no harm_

He didn't go to the funeral. None of them did; Neil's family didn't want them there, the reminder of a life they hadn't been a part of.

Not that he would have gone. Neil didn't give a damn about him, so Todd didn't have to care about Neil. He was gone and he wasn't coming back, and that was it. Todd wasn't going to cry about it anymore. Soon his chest would stop aching, and it wouldn't hurt to hear Neil's name. Soon he wouldn't even remember the sound of Neil's voice anymore, and then his life would go on.

VIII.

 _Take it thou,--finding pure, from all those years,/The kiss my mother left here when she died._

His house felt like a prison. It didn't feel like home, hadn't in a long time. His parents would barely look at him, and he wasn't sure what they thought they knew about Neil, but whatever it was, they were wrong.

They couldn't know, couldn't understand the way Neil kissed him, the promises he'd made with his hands and his mouth and his eyes. They couldn't know what Neil had taken from Todd when he died, and they couldn't know how much it still ached just to picture his smile. Todd didn't tell them, and he knew they'd never ask.

IX.

 _My letters! all dead paper, mute and white!/And yet they seem alive and quivering/Against my tremulous hands_

There were moments when he didn't hate Neil. Seconds when he forgot, when he believed that Neil was alive and was just busy with whatever classes his father forced him to take over the summer, and once they were back at school everything would be back to normal.

There were moments when he remembered the good things; the sound of his name when Neil whispered it or the way Neil caught his hand and held him back in the cave to steal a kiss after the others were gone.

For those few seconds it was almost like having Neil back.

X.

 _Make witness, here, between the good and bad,/That Love, as strong as Death, retrieves as well._

Todd remembers the first time Neil kissed him. Remembers the salty taste of his own tears and Neil's gentle smile, remembers the soft 'happy birthday' murmured in that voice he loved already. He remembers the way Neil's hand curved around his cheek, the way his thumb stroked away the last of Todd's tears and the way Neil silenced his stammered protests with a second kiss.

Todd's not sure how many people he's kissed since then - four, maybe five - but no matter how many men come into his life, he knows he'll compare each of them to that first, perfect kiss.


End file.
